When Things Will Never Be the Same How do you Start Over...

My life changed in a profound way over the last 10 days. I lost my mother, confidante, best friend, cheerleader and the person I could always pick up the phone and call to feel better. As soon as I heard her voice a calm would come over me and I knew everything would always be ok no matter how bleak the situation. She always had the right words that propped up my spirits and always knew just what to say to make me stop and think but supported me no matter what the situation was even when I quite honestly was wrong. In her eyes I was always right no matter what. She was my most loyal supporter.

[Photo Credit: The Pink Soapbox]

As I have reflected and grieved over these last days you realize how much you take for granted and even though somewhere deep down you always know at some point you will have to face this terrible and painful void you just can’t understand how painful it really is until it happens to you. There is no replacement, substitute or anything that will ever make it feel better or replace the hurt and loss you feel...I miss everything about her. Her voice, her laughter, her reaching for my hand, seeing her sitting in “her seat” in the kitchen or living room, the smell of her perfume, the frustrations I would feel when she would hang up on me over and over again on the iPhone she had a love hate relationship with over the years and all of the other countless details that were unique to only her. I miss her saying “I love you”, her calling me if I didn’t call her right back to make sure I was alright and her calling me by the special nickname she had for me “Snooze”. I miss the nail polish she wore everyday of my life and in all of my years I never saw her wear another color ever.

Over the last week I have wanted to pick up the phone to tell her I miss her and don’t want her to go away because I wasn’t ready. I wanted one more hug, one more chance to say I love you and one more time to see her argue and fight with the doctors to help her live just a little longer. I know now my life will never be the same and I am still processing what that means. I have loved and lost in my life but the most profound loss of my life happened on June 30, 2020.

Mom you made my life feel special and you were the one person that knew my heart and hurt and the only one that could ever make it truly feel better. I miss shopping with you , I miss your spunky spirit before you got so sick, I miss the holidays we didn’t get to spend together and I miss the security of your love and acceptance- I just really miss it all. I will always carry all of those things in my heart but will miss you every single day I am on this earth without you.

Rest In Peace and look over me and my children and all of your family. Let us know you are there. We are desperate to stay connected with you and feel your presence. I know God is holding you in the palm of his hand and you are in a better place but we will never get used to you being gone. I will try to figure out how to go on and continue to make you proud but the hole in my heart will always be there because you are the only one that could ever fill it.

XO & #StayCurious