Unhappy Marriage: Does It Have To Be All or Nothing?

Nobody can deny that divorce is a painful process if you’ve ever been unlucky enough to go through it. But does it always have to be the final answer when things go wrong in a marriage?

Maybe not, but keep in mind every situation is unique. For many the process starts off with one partner moving out of the home. That leads to a legal separation which many times leads to divorce and the finalization or dissolution of marriage as it is legally referred to in most states. However, sometimes divorce even if it seems like the right decision may just simply be too expensive either emotionally or financially. So what’s the alternative? It could be long-term legal separation without the finalization of divorce if both parties are not interested in remarrying or at least not for the foreseeable future.

This doesn’t mean that you are caught in a limbo situation not able to find a companion or move on. What it may mean is that a couple can live separately legally ( still married) but continue to have the benefits of sharing health insurance, tax filings, and avoid the stigmatized label that divorce still seems to evoke in certain communities and small towns. Keep in mind I am not a lawyer but have learned a lot over the years due to personal experience. I will mention it later in this post but I can’t emphasize enough the importance of legal counsel.

I remember the first time I heard the term (which is very offensive) “it’s cheaper to keep her “. This of course is a very antiquated notion, not to mention highly insulting, implying that it is incumbent upon a man to bear the financial brunt of a divorce instead of the brunt being shared equally by a husband and a wife so the man stays married because he doesn’t want to incur the financial devastation of a divorce. However, part of the intention of that statement in my opinion( although should be said in a much different and more respectful way) is that sometimes it’s just simply comes down to a matter of dollars and cents as to whether or not a couple can divorce due to financial reasons.

[Photo Credit: Wix Stock Photos]

In today’s world healthcare costs are exorbitant and marriage does bring with it some financial advantages that are not afforded single persons or divorced singles. When you add in child support and take away the financial advantages of being a married couple that can pile on and prevent the ability to have a separate life away from your spouse. Being legally separated but not divorced might be the best alternative at least for the short term or until financially moving forward with a proper divorce is more feasible based on your personal situation.

Emotionally, it should never be a solution to keeping another person in limbo for your own purposes. If you choose to make the decision to go with a long-term legal separation it should be a mutually agreed-upon decision with very clear-cut expectations on both sides. Keeping things clearly defined no matter what arrangement you decide on will help prevent disagreements, resentments, and a cycle of negative energy toward one another. This is especially important if there are children involved. This doesn’t mean that you’re never going to be angry at your ex spouse or estranged spouse. What it does mean is that any anger or disagreements as best they can should be hidden away and shared or discussed at a time when children are not present or able to discern any type of discord with their parents.

Children are very sensitive to mom and dad vibes sensing positive and negative interactions. Keeping things as positive as possible is going to help the children continue to feel some sense of normalcy with a situation that may be stressful or feel awkward when the norm has always been for both parents to be present in the home on a regular basis.

The key is to move forward and feel positive about the direction you’re going in. There is no one-size-fits-all and others may not understand a decision to choose long-term separation over divorce but that’s not a concern that should be yours nor should you feel compelled to defend your decision.

If the direction that you want to move in is to remarry, long-term separation is probably not an option and a formal divorce would be more in keeping with the ability to realize future plans for a new spouse. Always remember that laws vary from state to state so understanding what legal separation entails, how it is actually defined and what restrictions may be imposed upon you are crucial to understand before committing yourself one way or the other.

If you choose to go down the path of divorce I would highly recommend retaining an attorney because believe it or not some people do choose to move through the process without one because of cost. This is very understandable but can actually cost you more in the long run by agreeing to things you may not be obligated to under the law.

A life/divorce coach may be something that you may want to consider as well. I never hired one but they are gaining in popularity because they can be very instrumental in helping you navigate the rough waters of what to do when you are in an unhappy marriage. They are not therapists so if that is something that would be beneficial you will want to explore the proper channels for locating one that practices in this area of expertise. I have informally helped many friends and acquaintances offering understanding but also practical resources and insight as you move through the process. Sometimes I just held someone’s hand because that’s what they needed or helped fill in the blanks about the roller coaster of emotions that typically are involved but careful to convey that every situation and everyone’s experience is different.

I remember having to go to court alone with my lawyer to face down my husband I was divorcing and it was very intimidating. A lot of personal information can be revealed in a very public setting and it can be unnerving and embarrassing to have your personal problems laid out for random strangers to hear in an open courtroom. After you have been through the process you have a much better perspective to offer. Sometimes I have been there to help others reignite their careers if they needed help or assistance. If you have been a stay at home parent for many years or never established a solid career before switching gears to become a full time mom or dad reentering the workforce after a divorce can be daunting.

Mediation is another option if you choose divorce that can be a cheaper option than heading to court. Be prepared that inevitably issues may pop up that may make it too difficult to mediate through to a proper agreement. Keep that in mind but I do know there are success stories choosing this route. Some states even require an attempt at this first before ever heading off to court to resolve issues.

In the end no matter what you choose or who you decide to include in your circle of support having a clear vision for the next phase of your life is the first step in being able to close one chapter and move on to the next. Remember, this can be a process that takes time and everyone’s timetable is different. One last note, try not to compare your situation to anyone else’s if possible. The players are different, the personalities are different and the circumstances are different so comparing yourself or your situation to anyone else’s does nothing positive and can be very detrimental.

XO & #StayCurious