I’ve Been Thinking:You Can Have it All....Just Not at the Same Time

Before I became a mom I was working in sales blowing away quotas, winning awards and leaving my competitors in the dust. I wanted to move up the ranks to District Manager & Regional Manager at record speed. I spent all of my 20’s building my career step by step and loving every minute of it. I was a workaholic but looked at it as a means to an end.

[Photo Credit: Susan Hansen]

Once I had my daughter I was convinced I could still have it all because that is what everybody told my generation and who was I to question it. After my 8 weeks of maternity leave was over I returned to work. I remember my first day back like it was yesterday. Nothing was the same. I came back to a great job and boss who was accommodating in giving me 2 extra weeks beyond the standard 6 weeks of leave back in those days. My teammates were welcoming and my clients happy to see me. Everything was humming along with my return to work but I didn’t recognize who I was anymore. My identity changed overnight the day I became a mother and ‘the fire in my belly” to climb the corporate ladder was still there but the fire was more like an ember. I missed my baby.

I was reluctant to admit this as I believed it was a weakness and I had attained such success in the workplace I felt like a cheater if I didn’t show up at work with a “fierce go get‘em attitude. I counted the minutes at the end of the day checking to see how long I had until I could pick my daughter up from daycare. I dreaded morning drop off and the pangs of guilt were gut wrenching. My husband had recently quit his job so me staying home was not an option. I suddenly found myself daydreaming more than I should have on the job and felt cheated I was missing out on little milestones the daycare workers were experiencing.

My desire to move up and become a boss vanished along with volunteering to take on extra projects or tasks. I did not recognize who was staring back at me in the mirror. As excited as I was at the joy of motherhood I was equally dismayed that I had lost my desire to move ahead in my career. The demands of full time mothering and full time employee are hard and a few years later after a second baby and later a divorce, single parenthood was crushing. Tired and weary 24/7 I felt like everyday I was simply in survival mode & that is where I stayed for the next 7 years. I didn’t live around family and I am grateful to the “village” of people that helped me survive those years. There were times when I had no choice but to travel for work and my friends were there and occasionally family. My focus was on my kids and keeping my head above water at work. Any thought of a management position or achieving a leadership role was out the window.

It was a blow to my self esteem and felt I should be doing more to make it happen. I saw other people handle it and those fortunate enough to be able to hire a nanny were able to move up the ranks leaving people like me behind with dreams of being a VP or CEO in the dust. It was heartbreaking at times to see others promoted and me stagnant juggling so much. Those years were such a struggle. What I didn’t know then or couldn’t see was there really is a season and time for everything. My season in those days was to focus on my kids and be the best mom possible while still providing for them and their needs. As time went on and they got older I could see the light at the end of the career tunnel that had been pitch black for years.

Soon, they were old enough for me to consider more demanding positions and I could leave behind the guilt of being away from them because as we all know once your kids hit the teenage years you are no longer #1 on the list to hang out with. Both of my kids were good students luckily which was a blessing and once I remarried I could accept jobs that once again allowed me to achieve the career milestones I thought had been lost. It was a new “season” for parenting but also in my career. Once they flew the nest to college I had a whole new spectrum of choices and accepted a Vice President position. I could hardly believe I had made it to that level but felt more than prepared and lucky that is was not too late.

Eventually I came to realize that maybe you can have it all just not all at the same time. There are some that will juggle a million things and make it look easy while managing kids, career and extra curriculars but if you are career oriented and decide to have children there will come a time when most of us have to make choices. No one should ever judge anyone for the decisions they make but I am a firm believer that trying to have it all can be near impossible while giving all aspects of your life 100%. I am sure there are exceptions to this rule and having a stay at home spouse helps for sure but as working moms( single or married) juggling everything at once at a high octane level is almost begging for you to drop something. The question becomes”What are you willing to risk letting go of”. Whatever choice you make be content with it but know that if you are in the midst of raising a young family with dreams of being a VP but are struggling to get out the door every morning on time just know that it may not be your season yet but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Reflecting on my career path and the detours that eventually led me back on the career track I wanted to be on give me inspiration to share my journey to help others see a light they may not yet believe is waiting for them.

XO & #StayCurious